New Year Goal-"ONDERLAND"

Ok I am sick and tired of sitting here and slowly loosing. With that said I have decided to set a goal for myself and maybe that will kick my ass in gear. Years ago I trained with a personal trainer, Jon. He was awesome and I lost 80lbs while working with him. But then real life stepped in and i had to go to work and as a single mom working full time with a 2yr old and a 4yr old having a personal trainer is not a reality. WELL...... I have set a goal to be at " Onderland " ( under 200 lbs ) by the New Year. I WILL start the New Year below 200 lbs. So I got on Facebook this am and posted on Jon's page to see if he is still training and let him know i am looking for  a trainer. We'll see. I hope he is and we can get together because he already knows me and a lot of my background. I guess time will tell. But even if Jon is not training or our schedules do not mesh or i can not afford him or whatever. I WILL BE AT ONDERLAND BY THE NEW YEAR !!!!!!!!!!!!

Weight today 223.8lbs

Dreaming

I woke up this am and remembered a dream i had the night before. This is odd for me because normally i don't remember dreams. I think this is because I don't ever really get into a good deep sleep. Also a reason I am tired all the time. Anyway, last night i had a dream that Pat went around and made all the wedding plans and then came and told me he did want to marry me and be there for me and that he had set the date for July. I of course freaked out. Not because he decided he wanted to be with me and wanted to show me but because I only had a couple of months to find a dress and get it altered and I am still loosing weight LOL!!!  Well I didn't wake up in the best of moods, rather sad actually. I was hungry though because as I previously posted dinner did not go so well last night. I tried a protein shake but it was a no go. I can not get it down. It is a little thicker than I have been making them because I used a little more of the frozen cherries than normal. Normally i drink one on the way to work at 5:20am. So i don't think it has anything to do with the time. Maybe it is the stress I am feeling over the Pat thing. I also seem to be a little congested this am and i know the mucus can effect it as well. Who knows maybe it is a combo ?!?
      I am praying this week at work goes better BUT considering my best girl on my team left on Friday and is not coming back ( and who could blame her ) and considering we are behind and only tracking at 84% of goal..... I really don't see this as being a good week either.  I wish so bad I could just leave!!!!

Emotional Eating

I knew I was an emotional eater but did not realize how bad until this week.  Work was HELL!!!! I almost walked out on Tuesday. If I wasn't a single mom I would have but I am not in a position where that is an option. To top it all off it has been a rough week on me emotionally because I have called off the engagement.  This was not something that I wanted to do, but we were growing farther and farther apart. I was trying but just didn't feel like i was getting anywhere. Anyway I have not talked to him since Sunday.  I have turned to food a lot this week as a buffer. The band does not allow me to do that anymore. I know this is a good thing and the reason I got it but sometimes it just freakin' sucks!!!!!! I have been lucky I have only had 2 episodes of sliming until tonight. It is Saturday and another weekend going by that I am not with him. I was fine earlier in the day. But as the evening came on, the time I would normally see him, I started feeling it come over me. Last night Jojo ( my youngest ) wanted Panda. I did not order my normal instead I got a rice bowl. I ate maybe a 1/2 cup and was done. I put the leftovers in the fridge. Jojo had a double entree so he was good and did not want mine.  Well I have been snacking at stuff all day. But due to the band I have still not eaten much. I tried to eat a two egg omelet at breakfast but i took 2 bites and knew I wasn't going to be able to get it down. So again I gave it to Jojo. So much for that. At lunch I had a cup of tomato soup and 1/2 of a grilled cheese eaten very slow and chewed very well!!!! I made key lime cookies with white chocolate chips ( I love to bake and it relaxes me for some reason ) I had 3 thru out the day. Which is not my normal. I know it is still better than what I would of done ( a 1/2 doz ) a couple hrs ago i had a cheese stick and then just tried to eat the leftover rice bowl. I only got down maybe 4 bites and i was chewing chewing chewing but I got stuck and I got stuck BAD!!!  Normally when I slim it is one time and then I am done the pain in my chest goes away and Debbie is back to normal. Well not tonight!!! It took about 8 times and the pain still lingered. I am usually the loosest in the evenings and can eat more then. But Stacy has also told me that when your stressed you stay tight so I guess that is it. Plus I got a fill on Wednesday.  I have lost 4 more lbs !!!!!! I text Pat on Thurs and told him but I haven't heard anything from him. This has contributed to a lot of what I am feeling. I know when we last talked on Sunday he said he needs to get his head together but I feel like i have been totally and completely forgotten.
       On a good note besides the 4lbs lost. I tried on a dress this week that I haven't been able to wear since I was working at McDavid approx 12-13yrs ago. It is a size 14 and I could get it on!!!! I wouldn't say I am to the point of being comfortable of wearing it out in public but I GOT ON A SIZE 14 DRESS !!!!! I will have to get jojo to take a pic of me in it so i can post. I also ordered a size16 jean today. Before I started loosing I was wearing 22 sometimes a 24/26 so that is AWESOME a NSV ( non scale victory ) But like I have mentioned before sizes are so crazy!! For instance right now I am wearing a size 20 shorts ?!?!?! But the are the regular denim no stretch type.

Ok I will try to be better about posting. I haven't been doing a real good job lately but really on the weight issue nothing really has been going on..... toodles

Four more

I had another fill appointment on Wed 9/15 and I am happy to report I am 4 more lbs down. Yes it is 4 lbs but come on when is this really gonna kick in?!? He told me last appointment that probably one more fill and I would be at my "sweet" spot. Well, he said that again this appointment. I just know i am ready for this to start kicking in and not be trickling like it is. I know I know.... the blogs I follow of banders it doesn't just come off over night takes on avg a year and yes yes I know I did not put it on over night but still!!!! AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH
      I have been doing good on riding the bike... but it doesn't really seem to be helping my hip like I thought it was at first. I can't figure out what DOES help!!!! But it is really old.
     I have been doing good at getting my H2O in this week as well, and since my fill I have gone back to concentrating on my protein. Went back to at least 1 protein shake a day and took cottage cheese to work yesterday. This week I am going to boil some eggs and take those to work for breakfast/morning snack. I really don't eat breakfast because i am usually too tight in the am but around 10:30ish I am usually able to eat something. I either eat a yogurt, cottage cheese or oatmeal.
    I am feeling bummed and out of sorts lately. Nothing seems to be going right. Work has been crazy busy since we bought out Citi auto. Working 6 days a week is no fun and the phones are insane and what is worse..... I don't have the answers to help my people. I try to get them but most of the time the peeps I report to don't have the answers either. It is crazy to me how this whole thing went down. On a personal level things are whacky between Pat and I. I just don't think I am really the person he wants me to be. I am not perfect I make mistakes, I get upset  but I feel like he would rather be anywhere but with me and when we are together I seem to do something that upsets him ?!?
     I feel like I don't really see Jojo and I am not doing a very good job at being a mom to him lately. Since my surgery I don't cook as much. I feel bad for him. It is even harder when he won't eat left overs. Not so easy to cook for 2 people and in a way I am just cooking for 1. I am trying ....
     I JUST FEEL LIKE I AM FAILING AT EVERYTHING LATELY

Something weird that just hit me

I am looking at my last post and glance over at the blogs I follow..... Lapband blogs and baking/cooking blogs hhhhhmmmmmmm wonder what that is all about ?!? LOL I don't want to give up my cooking and baking because I have had surgery. That is something that I have always enjoyed. I just thought it was funny and I am sure someone looking in would think  " yeah that fat chic is never gonna loose weight....she is too into food "

Bike

I am very proud of myself. I rode my bike Friday, Saturday and Monday :) It still hurts when my leg gets to the full extension position but that is life I guess. I do think my hip is a little better or maybe that is wishful thinking on my part. I am planning to ride again tonight as well!!!!! Hopefully this will not only help my hip but get me moving and help get the lbs off a little faster. I seemed to have slowed down. I know they want you to loose on average 1-2lbs a week and I was ahead of the game but I don't want to slow down. I kinda feel stuck and going nowhere at the moment. I kinda feel like I have lost some this month by the way my clothes are fitting but it is that time of the month and I am feeling a little bloated the last couple of days. I don't way in between Dr appointments because when I did I just got frustrated. So my next fill appointment is the 15th of this month and I guess we will find out then.
      On a good note I have been able to wear some shirts that I haven't been able to wear in years and a couple of pairs of crop pants. It still amazes me how sizes fluctuate so much.... how can I wear a size X in one brand but in brand B I wear a size Z ?!?!? On top right now I am anywhere between a 16 or 20 WHAT ?!?!? How is that ?!?!?! makes no sense. On the bottom I am a little closer I am wearing an 18 or a 20 however my co-workers keep telling me I need to get some new clothes especially pants because the ones I am wearing are too big. I would like to get some new clothes but I don't see the point in going out and spending $ on something that I am not going to be able to wear for that long...so there in lies the problem.  I had one person tell me that I didn't look like I should be in plus sizes anymore but i regular...... I told her to put down the crack pipe.... I am NO WAY NEAR THAT!!!! and won't be anytime soon. She said I should at least go try them on..... no thanks been there done that MANY times and that experience is not something that I care to repeat. I HATE shopping. Maybe when I loose the weight I will feel differently but right now it does nothing but depress me.  I hope by this time next year I will be enjoying it again.... we'll see

My hair

It has happened. I am loosing my hair. I have noticed for awhile now when I comb the conditioner thru my hair in the shower I am having to clean out the comb way more frequently than normal. My hair started thinning several years ago. It really doesn't need any help.  I was taking Biotin for awhile some people say that helps and some say no..... I figure it couldn't hurt. I need to up my protein as well. I have not been eating as much as I should and I know this can effect my hair. I am afraid to color it so my red is fading.
    I have also noticed that the texture has changed. I have some natural curls and instead of curling lately it just seems to friz. I know they say this phase doesn't last for long but I am already ready for it to move on! My hair and my eyes were my favorite feature. Now my hair is nothing of what it was and my eyes have to  wear glasses which distracts from them and they are wrinkled.